SPEECH RETRACTED – NOT AUTHORIZED
(WARNING: The following speech was never delivered, nor was it authorized for publication. The text is a professional translation, converting a simple four word phrase into a more complex dialect often used by Congressmen and Senators. I have no idea how this version of my comments may have gotten into the hands of the media. I deny any involvement with the organization referenced below, and I repeat that I had no participation of any kind in this totally inappropriate communication.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for joining with me this morning, on this momentous occasion.
It is way past time for us to take action to preserve our environment. As stewards of our planet, we have responsibilities. It is not enough to simply stand by and plot the collapse of capitalism. Inactivity, by itself, is not a solution.
We must rise to apply our superior intellects and our advanced technologies for the good of the ecosystem. And time is not on our side. We live in a world that has been careening through droughts, pestilence, fire, plagues, and floods for billions of years. I’m amazed there’s anything left.
Mankind has arrived on the scene in the nick of time. It is our wisdom that will guide God’s natural wonders back from the brink of ruin.
In the short time that we have been here on earth, just look at the destruction that must be repaired. The dinosaurs are gone. Volcanoes have exploded. The hairy mammoth is nowhere to be seen.
As recently as whenever it was, when the great explorer Christopher Columbus first landed in the New World, our seas were teaming with marine life of every kind. Now, as we survey the oceans, not a single one of those fish is alive today.
Detailed investigative studies are only recently shedding light on this tragedy that has befallen our finny friends. Initially, we were proud to report that it is our fault that fish don’t live to be more than 300 years old. Written records prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christopher Columbus ate fish. Further investigation demonstrated that others of his ilk were fish eaters as well.
People, there is only a finite number of fish in this world. OK, it changes from moment to moment; but in that moment, the number is finite.
We initially thought we had targeted the primary problem that needs addressing: Man is eating fish. We were prepared to begin forming action committees to deal with this outrage, when a new and more somber revelation crossed our desks: The fish are eating each other.
My God. Where will this carnage end?
We sent researchers out into the field to gather more data. The findings were inconclusive, but they came at a terrible cost. The fish ate one of the researchers.
So, it is in this desperate time that I come to you to make today’s announcement: I am forming an environmental action group dedicated to preserving and enhancing all that is good. We will initially focus our efforts to save our oceans and restore its marine life to the bounty that nature had intended.
Since we have the inside track on what nature had intended, I can tell you now, our success is assured.
The name of our group, which will hold its first meeting this afternoon, is the Organization to Improve Life. Our charter is already drawn up, and I will reveal here the initiatives that form the basis of our movement.
First, we are well aware that marine life requires protection. A barren sea bed is not the preferred environment to replenish the species of the ocean. And we must address that. We intend to strategically place large metal structures a few miles off our shores, surrounding the entire coastline of the United States. They will be simple framework arrays that enable sea life to find safety, make their little fish homes, and thrive. In time, we propose to send large food aid ships into the ocean on a regular basis, casting fish food upon the waters, improving and regulating the diets of marine life everywhere, and changing their culture away from eating each other.
The second initiative of the Organization to Improve Life is dedicated to protecting the waters that surround these fish hostels. Providing food and shelter is not enough. We must regulate and protect the very waters our sea creatures inhabit. It is well documented that many of our ocean habitats are threatened by natural seepage from oil and gas deposits, unlocked from eons in the earth’s crust. As this filth is released into the waters, nature itself is poisoning the environment.
In order to protect our wildlife and its waters, we propose to surgically insert piping into the seabed in and around the fish hostel frameworks and extract these toxic substances, using proven technologies. This is certain to be a large and ongoing effort. Geologists have identified billions and billions of barrels of this nasty stuff, lurking below the ocean floor, just waiting to destroy our environment.
In our third initiative, our organization must dedicate itself to the orderly disposal of these thick, foul smelling liquids that seem to be showing up all over the world. To deal with this mess, we will first store these toxins in large facilities where we can separate the various liquids and gases into more refined substances to allow for better handling.
Then, it will be incumbent upon all Americans to do their part to help the environment. We will apportion small quantities of these liquids to each citizen across this great land – rarely more than twenty or thirty gallons per allotment – asking each person to help with the disposal, burning off their fair share, a little bit at a time. As we improve our efforts to protect marine life, we will also look for a way to enlist the aid of large organizations throughout the country, asking them to burn this stuff in larger quantities, using specially constructed disposal facilities installed in our biggest buildings. Certainly, this process will generate a lot of heat, but to offset that problem, we will recommend that most of this material should be burned during the colder months of the year. We are not insensitive to your concerns.
And finally, the sum total of this great effort is going to cost a lot of money. We know that. To begin our awareness campaign and to start the process of raising funds, we will be selling hats and T-shirts that you can purchase on our new website. Each item will have a distinctive picture of the metal frame structures that we will use for our fish habitats, and beneath the picture, in big, bold letters, we’ll have our logo with the already famous O-I-L initials.
I know this endeavor will be a great success. I thank you all for being here today. And I look forward to our journey into a cleaner and brighter tomorrow.